Stay Close During Tantrums?

“My child runs away, hits me, yells for space when they’re upset, but I’ve read I’m support to stay close, so what do I do?”

And my answer is: It depends!

While “staying close” to our children seems to be popular advice in the “gentle parenting” world, it seems to oversimplify a few important points. Staying physically close to some children works for the parent-child duo. However, this can be less than helpful in some circumstances. For example:

Parents are allowed to be HUMAN.
If the parent is started to spiral, getting emotionally triggered, becoming reactive and dysregulated… that presence is not going to have a helpful effect. Permission to take some space and engage in a regulation practice so that you can be more emotionally available to your child. [Tools for this: This week’s podcast, Episode 35 of COR Parenting Conversations AND a “Regulation Chart for Parents” in the COR Community Vault]

Emotional availability and connection is not dependent upon proximity.
We can FEEL openness, acceptance, and availability from across a room just like we can feel when someone is disengaged and closed-off when we’re sitting next to them (think of sitting across the table from someone who is staring at their phone).

I like to think of “closeness” as so much more than physical closeness. We can let our children know “I’m here” and TRUST them to make the next move. I visualize a waltz - if I take too many steps INTO them before they can take a step, I’m just going to trample their toes. If I take a step, and wait for them to take that next step, we’ll co-create a rhythm.

Everyone’s perception of “closeness” is different.

This perception is referred to as “neuroception” by Dr. Stuart Shanker and more recently discussed by Dr. Mona Delahooke in her books “Beyond Behaviors” and “Brain-Body Parenting”.
Some children [people] have a short radius for closeness.  
Some children [people] have a longer radius for closeness.

These are like the “personal space” bubbles, and the bubbles typically expand when we’re in the throes of strong, vulnerable feelings because our “threat detection system” is on high alert.

Since I work with so many different children, I’ve found that each one likes a different distance. I worked with one child who would run towards me and literally sit in my lap. I’ve had other children who needed an entire room between us. As we rode the emotional wave, they would get closer on *their* terms. If I tried to “push” closer, it would quickly escalate the situation. In those circumstances, I continue to do what I’m doing, while focusing my energy towards them. In Conscious Discipline they call this “wishing well”. I periodically look-up, see if they’re receptive to eye contact, and go from there.
It’s a process to learn your child’s own needs, but once you find it, it’s so helpful.

Children’s responses will probably change with age.
Toddlers most likely want the adult close.
As children get older, they may want their own space and will seek you out when they’re ready.
There’s nothing “wrong” with this. They’re becoming more emotionally independent, which is the point of all of this, right?