The Transformational Parenting Practice of Slowing Down

As I ran errands yesterday, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of rushing around me. Maybe it was because I had an infant with me, and there's no such thing as rushing with a baby. The moment I try to "hurry up," he needs to nurse. When I want to "quickly run in and grab something," he needs a diaper change. Since this is my third child, I've had years to just accept this slower, more interrupted pace of parenthood.

But I remember fighting it. I would get frustrated and try to rush through everything, only to have my plans constantly interrupted by my baby's needs. My inability to continue with my level of intense productivity spiked my anxiety. Some days, I felt my body vibrating with anxiety, which manifested as rage and resentment. Eventually, I learned that this chronic state of urgency was triggering my threat detection system. I was in a constant state of hypervigilance, high alert, never able to become fully present because I always felt an urge to keep moving on to the next thing.

Hyperproductivity to prove my self-worth was a defense mechanism I learned throughout my childhood: rest was lazy, hurry-up was the only acceptable pace, and managing all the problems all the time, all at once, was the norm. The system of urgency and multitasking that once served me as a child was now taking a toll on my relationship with my children.

The Impact of Rushing on Our Children

Children are wired to go at their own pace because their brains are exploring, learning, experimenting, and assimilating experiences, higher cognitive functions, and information. Ironically, rushing actually undermines our desire to move efficiently. Because our children instinctively try to go at a slower pace, we invite power struggles as we try to pull them along to keep up with us. This creates disconnection, which in turn, creates chaos, overwhelm, frustration, and the cycle continues.

When children feel the pressure and dysregulation of a rushed pace, they instinctively try to slow down the moment. This can manifest as refusing to wear shoes, literally slowing down their actions, throwing tantrums, or running away to play “chase.” Rushing and urgency can also hyper-arouse their nervous system, putting them on edge and making them more likely to blow up over small inconveniences.

I don’t want my children to learn that they have to hustle to prove their self-worth. I don’t want them to be programmed to stay on high alert with a chronic state of urgency. I want them to know play and rest. And here’s the good news: I have the power to break the cycle of urgency by slowing down.

Practical Strategies for Slowing Down

For a hyper-productive control freak who is a self-proclaimed “master multitasker,” slowing down can feel physically uncomfortable. Honestly, it still feels uncomfortable many days, but here are some practices I still use to this day to help interrupt my fast pace and embrace the slower pace:

1. Accept the Discomfort: Instead of snapping at the children to ease my discomfort, I lean into it, close my eyes, take a breath, and repeat a mantra to keep me grounded in the present moment. Some of my mantras include: “This is not an emergency. I can handle this.” or “Rushing in this moment will actually slow down the bigger goal.” “Just let it go.” [Sung like Elsa]

2. Take Personal Accountability for Time Management: Time management is an adult responsibility, not that of a young child. So if the routines are chronically rushed, change them. Do less. Aim to get out the door 10 minutes earlier than you need to be out the door. That way, when the inevitable happens, you have built-in buffer time.

3. Prioritize: There’s a lot to do during routines with children. I get it. I do them too. That’s why I’m constantly prioritizing my internal lists. If one morning is particularly slow, something has to fall off the list. Is that ideal? No. But does it help the morning *feel* smoother, calmer, more harmonious? Does it set an uplifting tone for the rest of the day? Then, perhaps, it was worth it!

4. Say “No”: This one is tricky for us people-pleasers. I like saying “yes.” It makes me feel good… in that moment. Then afterward, I feel yucky—resentful, overwhelmed, exhausted. I’ve reframed “yes” in my head. Saying “yes” to one thing is saying “no” to something else. So if I say “yes,” I need to decide what I’m saying “no” to. This reframe gives me pause.

5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. If you’re running late, use it as a helpful point of reflection instead of criticizing yourself for being disorganized. Speak kindly to yourself so that you can stay open and curious to make lasting change in your family dynamic.

Slowing down has been a game changer for our family. By reducing the urgency and being more present, we’ve found a greater sense of connection and peace. Remember, rushing creates disconnection. By embracing a slower pace, we can foster a nurturing environment where both we and our children can thrive. It’s not about doing less, but about prioritizing what truly matters and being fully engaged in the moments that count.

If you’re looking for support and resources on your parenting journey, consider joining the COR Community. Our group of parents learns practical tips and strategies while staying centered on the parent-child relationship, which is at the core of our parenting journey. Together, we can navigate the challenges of parenting with more ease and connection. Join us today and become part of a supportive community dedicated to fostering strong, healthy relationships with our children.