How To Use Confident Momentum To Avoid Power Struggles

Power struggles are an attempt from both parties to control a given situation. They are also a strong energetic exchange. The child senses that the leadership energy is weak, uncertain, uncomfortable, so they lean-in to the situation. If there’s a vacuum of leadership, someone else must step in to fill the void. In this case, the child attempts to become the person in charge.

The parent senses this attempt at dominance and tries to pull the control back. 

And the tug-of-war ensues. 

If the child feels confident energy, they don’t feel the need to explore the dynamic. The leader is confident, so the child feels confident. The child feels safe. 

My classic example to illustrate “confident momentum” is the morning routine of getting in the car. So often, we start barking “Let’s go! We’re going to be late.” While we’re still running around the house gathering our wallet, phone, snacks, waters, shoes, etc. We’re frazzled and our energy is frantic not confident. 

Or we’re moving towards the car and we stop, mid-movement to feed the dog, change the laundry, check our e-mail (all the things y’all!). What happens when we stop moving towards the goal? Our children do as well. 

Then they find an activity to fill the void and it’s much more difficult for them to transition back into the goal-directed behavior than it is for us. 

Perhaps it’s time to get shoes on and we insist that our child does it themselves. Then we get upset when it takes too long or they don’t want to. If our ultimate goal is to leave on time, that’s OUR goal, we must take full leadership responsibility to facilitate its accomplishment. Is it a priority our child puts their own shoes on OR if we leave on time? Goodness knows, it can rarely be both. Get clear on what your priority is and focus your energy on what you want, instead of focusing on what you don’t want. 

What does this look like in practical application? 

Put all of your stuff in the car first. 

Get fully present with your child. Join them for a moment. Sit with them. 

Then YOU start moving towards the goal. 

Gently remind them of the cooperative goal. 

Continue to build the momentum by actively working towards it. 

Become fully present with your child again. Admire them. Value what they value.

Invite them and do the routine with them: “It’s time to walk to the car.” Instead of “Stop playing and get to the car. We’re late!”

Notice the trend of: 

Clarity. Get clear on your priorities. 

Confidence. Move towards your goal. 

Connection. Initiate when you are able to fully present with your child. 

Connection. Start moving towards the goal with them.

Connection. Continue to move with them. 

The moment you stop, you will the wind in your sail (so to speak) and the boat goes stagnant. 

It’s must easier to keep the wind in the sail. 

When the child pushes back, remember, it’s their job to check the limits. They’re learning. Stay confident, unfazed by their natural and healthy check-in. Continue the confident momentum towards your end goal. Children crave clarity and will follow a leader who can provide that. They also rest in the security of knowing that their leader can’t be derailed by bumps and distractions.