When Your Child Says: “I don’t like it!”

We just came home after 6 weeks of travel. 

I heard “I don’t like it” in response to food, people, places, movies, games, toys, you name it, my boys told me they “didn’t like something”. 

Thankfully, I know that’s my signal that they are feeling uncertain about something and need a little more time/space/support to process it. 

Unfortunately, “I don’t like it” can be very triggering for adults. It feels like our child is being rude, ungrateful, or picky, so we try to talk them out of it. I see this the most at meal times. A plate of food is placed in front of a child and the first thing the child says is: “I don’t like it!” 

Typically the adult tries to “talk them into” liking it, remind them how much they enjoyed it the last time, or maybe even gets their feelings hurt. 

Here’s a “secret” that will change your life: “I don’t like it” usually doesn’t actually mean the child doesn’t like it. They just don’t have enough nuanced language to express what they’re really thinking. 

It can mean:

• I wasn’t expecting this!

• This is different. 

• I wanted something else. 

• This look weird. 

• I don’t recognize this. 

• I’m uncomfortable. 

• I’m overwhelmed and want this to go away! 

• I’m not ready to do/try this. 

• I need time to process this idea. 

• This looks different than what I remember. 

• I had a different idea in my head! 

We can validate their feeling of uncertainty WHILE inviting them to try. 

When my children proclaim their dislike for something, I simply reply “Ok.” When it comes to food, I still present it to them and say: “You don’t have to eat it.” Almost always they try a bite on their own. Sometimes they eat the entire serving, other times, they try a bite and that’s it. 

The less pressure we put on them, the less resistant they’ll be. Remember, Newton’s Laws from Physics class?? Every force has an opposite and equal force. True with people! The more people feel forced and pressured into an action, the more they resist. This is usually when traditional parenting reaches for bribes, threats, guilt, coercion, shame, and other harmful and ineffective (long-term) strategies. 

We just wrapped up two birthdays and 6 weeks of travel in my family. “I don’t like it” can come up with gift-giving, new places, new experiences, and new people too. 

It happened with Mr. 5 when we pulled into my grandparents’ driveway. He hasn’t seen his grandparents in over a year. His first reaction was “I don’t like her.” 

I simply said “Ok. I hear you.” 

My husband jumped in and tried to convince him that he did like her. 

Then Mr. 5 refused to get out of the car. 

I greeted my grandparents and then went back out to the car and invited him to play with me in the yard. 

I explained to my grandmother that he was overtired from travel and feeling restless so he needed to run outside. 

After about 5 minutes of play, my grandmother came out with us and Mr. 5 slowly started to warm-up to her. 

I got close to him and whispered and said: 

“Are you feeling a little unsure about meeting Grandmother and Grandad?” 

“Yes. I feel shy and don’t want to talk.”

“Ok. You don’t have to. You can hold my hand.” 

In about 10 minutes he was inside the house. 

In about 30 minutes he was smiling and laughing at the table. 

Was it hard to hear my son say “I don’t like Grandmother”? 

Of course. It was a like a little punch to my heart. But I didn’t let my emotional reaction dictate my parental response. 

I caught myself in time and was able to reframe his words. 

I understood that these are people he’s only met a few times in his life and doesn’t have a lot of memories with them. And he’s overwhelmed with the excitement of going home. 

To add pressure to the situation would be like shaking a can of soda. He would have absolutely exploded. 

The next time you hear “I don’t like it”, pause before you respond. Remind yourself that “I don’t like it” is immature language for a deeper message. Don’t take it personally. Get curious. Don’t push back and try to talk your child out of it. Make space for them to process whatever uncertain feelings they’re experiencing. THIS is what childhood is all about: experiencing new things, making mental constructs for them, and building a sense of self. Our children NEED space to do this without shame, blame, guilt, or threats.