When Our Children Share Big Feelings… Do This!

It can be so hard to let our children’s emotions be - for a multitude of reasons, but it mostly comes down to our own discomfort.

When our young children start to unload big feelings and make general statements such as:
“I hate my school.”
“I don’t want to go back.”
“No one likes me.”

It’s typical to have the urge to “fix this”:
“Aw, you loved school last year.”
“But all your friends will be there.”
“That’s not true! You and Jacob always have a good time!”

We have the best intention - to help them gain perspective, reassure them that they like school. Instead, we’re communicating: your feelings are wrong.

But often, these words aren’t literal. They’re FEELINGS.
(*Sometimes, they may remember one friend who was mean or one incident that upset them. We can readdress that during a less emotional time.)

Instead, we attune to their needs. Before speaking, watch your child and ask: “Are they venting or asking me for advice?” Just like adults, often they’re venting.
What do WE need when we vent?
An empathic listening ear.
To not feel alone.
To have our experience validated.
To feel understood.

So here are some of my favorite ways to help facilitate this:
Stay quiet and tune-in: When words bubble-up in my mouth, I hold them there for a bit, to give my child extra time to share something. This is about them, not me. This helps me attune to what they *actually* need, and not what I need.

Reflective listening: simply restating what the person is saying.
Child says: “I hate school and I never want to go back.” We could respond: Ugh. I hear ya. You don’t want to go back to school.”

Relate to their experience:
Child says: “I don’t know anyone in my class!” We could respond: “I remember my first day of school. I didn’t know anyone either.”
*Remember this isn’t about you. The goal isn’t to dominate the conversation with your story. The goal is to normalize their feelings so they don’t feel alone or “wrong”.

Stay open and curious:
Child says: “All my friends are mean to me.” We could respond: "Hmm.. Was it like that last year?"
Verbal questions can be overwhelming if a child is still in a highly agitated state. Wait until the strong emotional wave begins to ebb before asking a question. Curiosity can be expressed through our earnest energy when we’re in the throws of an emotional outburst.

When you feel stumped or forget what to say, here’s your permission to stay quiet. Your nonjudgmental, confident presence helps share that calming confidence with your child. Talk less. Listen more. (Sung like Aaron Burr in the musical, Hamilton).