Building Up Our Kids: Quick Reference

As a mom of an industrious three year-old, I spend a lot of time playing with blocks. We build towers with spindles, window, archways, bridges, the possibilities are endless. Building such a detailed tower can take 10, 15, 20 minutes depending upon our level of motivation. Sometimes, my son wants to knock the tower down. Even though the control freak in me cringes at this idea, I swallow my pride, and let him knock it down. Only to realize how quickly one can knock a structure down, but to build something takes time. 

It’s easy to knock something or someone down. It takes time, energy, effort, and thoughtfulness to build something or someone up. I heard this analogy the other day and it struck me. The context was simply referring to negative people, but I immediately connected it to parenting. As parents, we spend SO much time and energy building our children up, BUT it can all come crashing down when you’re sleep-deprived, fed-up, and used up all your patience before noon. I fell victim to that this week.

Building something takes time. As parents, our time is always divided over hundreds of responsibilities. 

Building something takes energy. As parents, our energy is far exceeded by our children’s. 

Building something takes patience. As parents, our patience can quickly run out due to sheer mental fatigue. 

Building something takes mindfulness. As parents, mindfulness can go by the waste side when the day’s original intention implodes. 

Let’s take a moment and go in our mind’s eye and replay a recent event that we wish went differently. Most of the time these moments include yelling, threats, or shaming children for their behavior. These are all tactics that traditional discipline would utilize. So let’s move away from strategies that tear down these little people who we are constantly trying to build-up. Let’s call upon strategies that teach and redirect, while simultaneously build our children into confident, kind, and empathetic people. 

Here is a “quick reference” guide for changing language from one of shame and threats to that of positive redirection.  

“Knock-Down” Statement: “Don’t do that!” (Fill-in with “run”, “yell”, “hit”, “kick”, “grab”, etc). 

“Build-Up” Statement: “Do this.” (Fill in with “walk”, “speak quietly”, “use safe hands” “pick it up”, etc.). 

Lesson: If we shift our focus to positive behavior, our children are more likely to do the behavior that receives the most attention. 

“Knock-Down" Statement: “Why did you do that??!!” 

“Build-Up” Statement: “How can you fix this?” “Let’s work together to fix this.” “How can we solve this together?” 

Lesson: Children will never be able to answer “Why did you do that?!” They don’t know the answer. Instead of shaming them with a harsh tone and unanswerable question, we shift the focus to fixing what is broken. Walk them through the thinking skills necessary to problem-solve and communicate that we are “on their team” instead of an advisory. 

“Knock-Down Statement”: “If you ______ one more time, you’re going to time out.” 

“Build-Up” Statement: “I will not let you _________. What can we do to solve this problem instead?”

Lesson: This is basically the same strategy above - solution-focused instead of problem-focused. Additionally, using the “I will not let you” phrase communicates a firm boundary and shifts the burden of control from the child to the parent. The follow-up question, then empowers the child to do something positive. 

“Knock-Down” Statement: “That’s it! I’ve had it!” 

“Build-Up” Statement: “I am getting upset. I need a break.” 

Lesson: It’s ok to get frustrated. Parenting is really hard and exhausting. By labeling our emotions and taking a break, we model a productive way to handle big emotions. Children are wired to learn through mimicking (as you may have noticed by now!). 

Statements To Build-Up:

“That makes my heart full.”

“You are working so hard!”

“Way to keep trying!”

“Keep it up!”

“Thank you for _______.”

“You did it!”

“Look at you!”

“I knew you could do it!”

“Keep trying.”

“High five!”

“That took a lot of focus.”

“You can do it.”

“I’m so proud of you!”

“You are learning how to _________.”

“Wow! How did you do that?”

“You are being very safe.”

“You can try again.”

“You are helping! Thank you.”

“You are being responsible.”

“I appreciate your help.”

“I’m having fun!”

“How did you do that?”

“How did you think of that?”

“What was your favorite part?”

“Tell me why you chose that one.”

*Younger children (Under 5 or 6) may not be able to answer why/how questions. Questions communicate a genuine interest in our child’s accomplishments/efforts. 

Thumbs-up

Physical touch: pat on the bag, a hug. 

Use a behavior reflection: “You are_______” or “I noticed you are _________”

More Statements for “Build-up” AND Redirect:

“That doesn’t seem to be working. Let’s try this instead.”

“May I help you?”

“Let’s try again.”

“Let’s do it together.”

“We can use teamwork!” (In our family, we jovially proclaim: “Teamwork makes the dream work!”

“What’s another way to do this?”

“Maybe this will work.”

“Try saying that another way.”

“You are really upset.” (Validate their feelings). 

“You can do this or that.” (Offer a limited choice).

I share these statements in hopes that I will gently remind myself to use these during my days with my children. When parenting gets hard and overwhelming, reaching for a script can be somewhat of a relief. I hope that this can be a script if you find yourself at a loss for words. And remember, just as we give our children second chances, we deserve to extend a little grace upon ourselves. Parenting is hard. It takes time, energy, thoughtfulness, and so much more. But we are building a masterpiece. And with a strong foundation, we will, one day, be able to step back, and soak in the awesomeness of our creation.