7 Tricks to Tame Tantrums

Tantrums are probably the number one challenge to most toddler parents. They are most definitely the number one reason why parents contact me. So I wanted to make a “quick reference” guide for tantrums. One you can pull-out on those days when you may not have the mental clarity to think through it yourself or you’re just too tired to troubleshoot through the fifth tantrum that day (Solidarity, mamas!).

For a quick review, tantrums take place in the primitive part of the brain - where the flight or fight reflex lives; therefore, either a child will completely shutdown or rev up and fight. Once they are in this state, no talking, logic, or reasoning will bring them down. For this reason, I tend to focus on proactive, positive parenting strategies. I like to avoid these meltdowns all together. However, as a parent, and a realist, I know these cannot be avoided 100% of the time.

As parents, recognizing that children move between the primitive brain and logical brain helps us understand and empathize with their intense emotional outbursts. When they display these intense responses to environmental stimuli, their brains are literally short-circuiting. Their thoughts have slipped out of the logical realm and are operating in the primitive brain. Most parents will report a telltale “look” or level of hysteria that becomes almost animalistic - primitive in nature. That’s because IT IS. 

As the adult, and the fully functioning pre-frontal cortex (logical brain) in this equation, we have to exercise whatever ounce of self-control and calm we have left in our bodies to address the situation before it escalades. Easier said than done! I recommend assembling your own arsenal of calming strategies for yourself before even attempting to tame your child’s tantrums. Be the model for your children to follow! Personally, I use breathing, prayer, and sometimes even walking away for a moment. 

Without further ado, here are seven strategies to help deter, curb, or stop a tantrum: 

1. Snack: Basic psychological theory suggests that physiological needs have to be met before safety and security, which need to be met before feeling loved. No amount of “lovey” or “feel good” interventions will work if a child is hungry, tired, or thirsty. Ruling out physiological needs first will set-up parents for a higher likelihood of success when taming a tantrum. Look for protein dense options first that will appeal to the child - a protein smoothie, peanut butter, nut crackers with hummus, etc. Avoid sugary and/or grain based snacks such as cereal, gummies, graham crackers, most yogurt snacks, candy, etc. Offering the snack before a child’s blood sugar bottoms out will make the offering much easier, so a mealtime schedule that includes a mid-morning and afternoon snack can be an extra proactive step to avoid the “bewitching hour” meltdowns. 

2. Rest: Books, blogs, articles, and training methods have all been written to address a child’s sleeping habits for good reason - well-rested humans are happy humans - especially children! But practically, what can be done if, despite a parent’s best effort, the child is still tired? If the child still naps and nap time is approaching, it may be a good idea to throw-in the towel and start nap time earlier. Parents can always stall with extra books or snuggles just create a calm environment in preparation for nap time. If the child has outgrown nap time, “quiet time” may be in order. If nap time has already passed and the child is still acting over-tired, a calm quiet activity may be best. Even 10-15 minutes of reading, calm music, or quiet joint activity can help them recharge and reconnect to come back to the family dynamic refreshed. 

After the physiological needs are met, children maybe looking for security or love and belonging. In Positive Proactive Discipline world, that means connection with loved ones. Children desire to be with their parents and feel important. This can be challenging during life’s hectic schedule and/or with multiple children. 

If parents engage in the following activities, the goal to “get the child started” by using this introductory time to connect with their child - hug, snuggle, give their undivided attention. After the child’s body language relaxes and they become engrossed in the play, parents can stand back and observe. 

This observation period is important. Children are wired to follow parents’ eye gaze. So if they look up and see that a parent is watching them, their confidence is boosted and they feel like they should/can continue. Creating lines of vision during mundane chores and tasks will help maintain the established connection, thereby, supporting the child to continue to play independently.

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3. Play with them. Children speak in play. Play is where they freely express emotions, practice newly acquired skills, make new connections, and release creativity. They feel in control of their environment and can freely mold and manipulate the situation until they achieve a predetermined goal. When adults enter the world of a child’s play, let them lead - be an observer and take cues from them. Older children will tell others what to do. Younger children may not have the language to do this, so adults can mirror their actions. Lastly, set a timer (visual timers are best) so children have a realistic exceptions of how long the parent/adult can sit with them. 

4. Go outside: A change of scenery can make a huge difference in energy. The early childhood field has ever-evolving and solid evidence that playing outside is beneficial for a child’s development. It could be the novelty of the environment, the lighting, the “grounding”, or a hundred other reasons, but going outside can curb an oncoming tantrum quickly. Fun outside activities can be anything from going on a “bug/flower” hunt, gathering “treasures”, puddle-hopping, rock collecting, drawing with chalk, playing ball, etc. 

5. Exercise: Movement increases circulation, releases endorphins, and shifts our focus from distracting or troubling thoughts to the task at hand. Outdoor exercise is always great for young children (and everyone!) and it doesn’t have to feel like “work”. It can be dribbling a ball, playing catch, playing tag, swinging, climbing, biking, swimming, etc. If outside isn’t an option, children’s music is a great place to start for indoor exercise. Googling “movement songs for children” will yield thousands of results, giving children “ribbon dancers” or scarves to use while dancing to music, freeze dance, Simon Says, setting up obstacle courses, even by taping different lines to the floor and encouraging children to “walk” or crawl on those lines. All of this movement will accomplish the same outcome: tame the tantrum. 

6. Sensory activity: Sensory activities activate the prefrontal cortex while simultaneously connecting to the primitive reflexes. These strengthened connections are necessary for healthy brain development. My personal favorite sensory activities can be done in a big plastic bin (think about the ones that store clothes underneath beds). They can be as conventional as water, rocks, rice, beans or as “crafty” as waterbeads, feathers, packing peanuts, ribbon, tissue paper, etc. For young children who still explore the world by putting things in their mouths, parents can put the sensory materials in gallon-size plastic bags (duct tape the opening). For older children, dumb the materials into the plastic bin and include exploratory objects such as tweezers, magnifying glasses, buckets, spoons, etc. The kids will dive right in!

7. Model a mindfulness activity: Mindfulness activities are skills that need to be practiced during joint play prior to using as a coping strategies. While being practiced, they make excellent connection activities for parents and children to do together. Their benefit extend to tantrums when a child can employ these practiced skills to help calm their bodies and minds. These include silly breathing exercises (Bear Breaths, Snake Breaths), visualization or story-telling exercises, mind-body connection activities such as yoga. I recommend Yoga Pretzel cards (available on Amazon) to help guide you in practicing and applying these strategies. Books and YouTube videos can also be helpful in developing a repertoire of mindfulness activities. 

These are just seven of an endless list of strategies to tame children’s tantrums. The key is to learn a child’s signs and triggers and learn our own triggers. We cannot hold our children to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. If we expect calmness and kindness from our children than we must first model that for them. After all, they are learning and we are teaching. The more genuine we, as parents, are when presenting these seven strategies, the more effective they will be. Pick a sensory activity that excites you, use a mindfulness activity that helps calm you as well, use “rest” or “snuggle” time to recharge your batteries. 

One last note: Respect the tantrum. Think of a tantrum as a wave. The child pulls energy from the environment, builds their own momentum, powerfully rushes forward, and then releases back into calm. The trick for parents is to recognize when the child is pulling energy from the environment or building up the momentum. Once the energy is out of control and rushing forward, we just have to weather that storm - ride out the wave until it releases. Once we sense that energy receding, we can once more effectively intervene to avoid another rush of chaos.