Words of Power & Empathy: Part 2

STEP 3: ADAPT: CLEARLY ARTICULATE EXPECTATIONS USING DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE.

This step is the crux of what I wanted to discuss with this post. Now that we understand our child’s development and how to set developmentally appropriate expectations, we need to “speak their language” and communicate in a clear, concise, yet an empathetic way. In order to do this, we need to be aware of common abstract terms and phrases we use with our children. 

These are typically attributes or negations such as:

• Be nice.

• Share.

• Be good.

• Don’t do that!

• Not now!

• No, not that. 

While we can easily understand and process these words/phrases, children don’t always have the connections or background knowledge to conjure the desired action. So instead of using the abstract terms or negations, think about what you DO want your child to do. You influence your child’s behavior by your focus and emphasis; so focus on desired actions.  

Due to the desire to be specific, the alternative phrases are heavily dependent upon the situation and the desired action of your child. 

Alternative phrases to use:

• Be nice. = First, you go down the slide and then Joey can go down the slide. 

• Share. = Take turns, trade toys, pick a toy s/he can play with, scoot over. 

• Be good. = Listen to your teacher’s directions. 

• Not Now! = First let me finish this, then I will get you some water. 

• No, not that. = That is the orange cup. Please hand me the green cup. 

Abstract words such as kind, safe, respectful and phrases such as “take turns” “trade toys” “wait for your turn” can be taught so that they can become commands easily understood by your child. However, children will better learn these terms in calm, fun environment instead of in the heat of the moment. 

One such example, may be to teach “FREEZE” as a safety precaution. You can play a version of freeze dance. Turn the music on, dance around with your child, when you stop the music, yell “FREEZE” and everybody freezes until the music resumes. Before or after the game, you can explain to your child that you are practicing the word “freeze”. That learning the word “freeze” can help your child and others stay safe. 

Personally, I chose three words to teach my son and we use those as “rules”. I picked “safe”, “gentle/kind/thoughtful” (depending on the context), and “cooperation”. Whenever I catch him doing something that fits in one of those categories, I use it as a teaching opportunity. I consider these my “discipline” opportunities. He hears “thank you for being safe by holding Mommy’s hand”, “thank you for cooperating and coming to Mommy to get dressed”, “thank you for using gentle hands with Koda (our dog)” on a regular basis. These are all positive, natural learning opportunities that provide children with concrete examples of abstract words. 

As children’s background knowledge and understanding of these words increase, their ability to recall and apply different meanings of the words will increase across various settings. My son has heard these “rules” or attributes for 18 months (I started at 12 months) across many different contexts. Now, I can typically say a phrase like “use gentle hands with Koda” and E automatically knows how gentle hands act. Sometimes he needs more specific prompts such as me visually showing him “gentle hands”, but those are continually lessening over time. 

When he doesn’t comply or choses to test the boundaries, my job is simple: to enforce the boundaries in a simple, clear, and explicit manner. I consider the discipline opportunities to teach and the moments (some longer than others) of non-compliance to be opportunities to reinforce what he’s already learned. 

I believe that one of the most precious aspects of childhood is the constant growth and development. A skill that seemed impossible yesterday can be your child’s new favorite trick today. The constant changing abilities, needs, and demands can create a frustrating or exhilarating situation for parents and children, alike. The constant evolution requires that we stay aware of our children’s developmental stages and set reasonable expectations. This creates an ongoing cycle of parental education, observation, and clearly articulating/teaching new expectations. If our children are dynamic and evolving creatures, we should strive to provide them with parents who are willing to adapt, learn, and grow with them.