Side Stepping Power Struggles

#Realtalk to start: I know all of this stuff. I teach all of this stuff. And I can still step right into power struggles. This is a conscious practice, not a perfected formula. The following list helps us raise our awareness, instill values in our children by teaching overarching lessons instead of micromanaging daily routines.

We can hold boundaries, teach respect, kindness, personal responsibility without controlling our child’s actions, because we CAN’T ultimately control another human being. Even our omnipotent God gives us free will. 

A caveat to this list: It’s not exhaustive nor is it perfected. It’s a living list that breaths, changes, and evolves to mirror life. 

Self Inventory: Be honest with yourself: “Do I have the time, energy, patience to hold the boundary?” If I’m not feeling well, tired or running low on patience, I adjust those boundaries to avoid the struggle or the lack of enforcement. I don’t want to step into a blow-up or create a situation where I’m devaluing my own language by not enforcing my words.

Maybe we skip baths on an evening that has been particularly draining, or I let them eat snack on the couch while I sit next to them to get five minutes of stillness. A part of this is simply setting realistic expectations for ourselves as parents, and not guilting ourselves for what we “should” do. 

Planning Ahead: Reflect on the moments that are particularly challenging and plan to do things differently. Spend some time creating intentionality within that time to become proactive and responsive when you feel hesitancy or resistance from your child. 

For example, if dinner time is particularly challenging on a daily basis, maybe plan to get dinner in the oven/on the stove, and instead of starting to clean-up, sit with the kids on the floor and play with them before transitioning them to the table. This is helpful because we avoid repeating ourselves 15 times with no follow through; devaluing our language. Or, the other extreme alternative: threats and bribes to come to the table. 

Keep Big Picture In Mind: I find it’s so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day stuff. I can get hung-up on the minuciosa and step into power struggles that are really meaningless on the global level. That’s what happens when we’re IN IT. It can be so challenging to take an objective step back. BUT, it can also be liberating, because we can put things in perspective, and make more conscious choices. 

If we know the values we want to instill in our children, and work to teach those through our daily lives, one episode at dinner time, or one tired moment at the store is not going to destroy everything we’ve built up until that point. Sometimes we just have to “Elsa” it, and let. it. go! 

Focus On What You Want: When I find myself engaging in power struggles, I often notice that I’m putting a pretty heavy emphasis on what I don’t want my child to do. I highlight their shortcomings or missteps, and get lost down the rabbit hole of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”. I lose my assertive voice and find myself using my aggressive voice. Or maybe you’re the opposite, and you default to a passive voice of giving up and not correcting at all. 

Get clear on what you want, and let that lead your conversation. Give your energy to what you want, not what you don’t want. Every single time I switch gears, it helps ease the situation. 

Instead of saying: “Stop bothering your brother!” and I say something like: “Son, come over here and help me read this recipe.” The entire tone of the interactions shift. 

Letting Go Of Ego: This was huge for me. How much of what I do is to protect me ego? In my late teens and early twenties, my ego ruled. As I become aware of the ego, my need to be right (always) has softened (a little). I can let Mr. 5 argue that birds fly because they have jet packs. Ok, dude. You do you. I don’t have to be dominant to feel safe. I don’t have to appear in control to appease my ego (all the time).  

Choosing Connection Over Control: This one is the biggest one in our house. Last night, my boys were at each others' throats. Everything one had, the other one wanted. There was hitting, screaming, throwing, taunting, flaunting. It was the end of the day. I had been sick all weekend. And I was about to blow-up. Mr. 5 was harassing Mr. 2, and I felt triggered. 

I took their plates over to the table, and I sat next to Mr. 5, and without a word, put my arm out. He crawled into my lap and nestled into my chest. He was craving connection. After that, we had a lovely dinner together. 

I had tried telling him to stop. I had tried redirection. Distraction. “Helping” language. It didn’t even register. Nothing replaces connection. And connection doesn’t “reinforce” “bad” behavior. It soothes the child, gets to the underlying cause of their discomfort, which they are expressing through their behavior. And in this case, I held a strong physical boundary because I sat in between the brothers. Cooperation comes through connection. 

Defining Personal Responsibility: I think this can be the most daunting one on the list: the realization that we can’t ultimately control our children. We are a model, a guide, a safe keeper, a lifeline. 

Get really clear on what you can control. For example, I can’t make my child clean-up. Just short of forcing a “hand-over-hand” episode, I can’t force my child to pick-up their toys. I can control how many toys are in the playroom. What kind of behavior I model, break the task down into more manageable parts, invite them to join me, foster an environment of connection and cooperation.

I find  personal responsibility to be liberating and the starting point for developing helpful boundaries. If I’m not comfortable with a situation, I reflect on it, and consider: What can I do to change the situation? Continuing with the clean-up example: I can rotate toys, and cut down the amount that I set-out at once. 

Notice Helpful Actions: Sometimes this is pretty straight forward and sometimes it can be a stretch. For example, we were cleaning-up the house yesterday and I told my son he could either finish his puzzle or put it away. 

A few minutes later, I walked back in his room to find the puzzle half put away, box lid still off, and box on the ground. Instead of barking at him about not fully cleaning up the puzzle, I said “Look at this! You put all the pieces in the box. That was helpful! Now I’ll help you by putting the lid on top, and putting the box back in your closet.”  

I build-up some positive momentum and connection so he was more likely to cooperate for the rest of our clean-up time AND I still gently taught the missing “task completion” skill. 

Please let me be transparent and upfront, I share examples where I got it *right* to help you understand what TO DO. This work is challenging in the moment, especially when we feel spent and it’s only 3PM. I definitely don’t always get it right. 

This list is long. I recommend picking a couple of power struggle strategies that resonate the most with you and start there. Our parenting intuition usually knows what we need before we consciously do. 

If I could pick three overarching themes for take-aways, they would be: Keep the big picture in mind, connection over control, and get clear on what you *actually* have control over. We can be a strong leader and do so kindly. The balance between the two is what helps us side step power struggles while fostering a deep, meaningful connection with our child at the same time as creating safety within the context of appropriate boundaries.