Behavior Reflections: The Next Step

As we discussed during the Behavior Reflection Workshop, simple nonjudgmental observations of our children’s behavior can be an effective way to support their development, in addition to curbing undesirable behavior. Since children operate in a very concrete manner (meaning clear boundaries of right v. wrong or good v. bad), our job as parents is to use concrete examples to teach our children the meaning of abstract, desirable attributes. Such attributes may include: respectful, kind, helpful, “sharer”, “friend”, fair, patient, thoughtful, compassionate, etc. 

With that in mind, we can define discipline as an opportunity to teach. After all, “discipline” shares the root word with “disciple” that literally means “instruction” or “knowledge”. Therefore, combining a behavior reflection with clear instruction would be the best primary discipline strategy. Drawing boundaries and teaching our children how to operate within them, is a responsibility we all share as parents. We can successfully navigate these “learning opportunities” without shaming (“Why would you do that?!”), threatening (“If you do that one more time, I’ll….) or other punitive punishment strategies. This requires some thoughtfulness, on our side, first. 

Step 1 | Practice the behavior reflections. 

First, practice using the nonjudgemental statements during regular playtime. Remember to avoid judgmental tags, replacing them with values or attributes. Think about the values that you really want your child to learn. Does he or she struggle with sharing, patience, kindness/consideration, control (as oppose to impulsiveness)? Once you decide upon the most important attributes, reflect on your own tendency to model them. 

Then begin to use that 5 minute “sit” time to observe your child. Use these five minutes to point out his/her patience, control, concentration, respect, kindness, etc. These reflections should include a tag at the end stating an attribute, such as: 

    - “You brought mommy her drink. Thank you for being thoughtful.” 

    - “You waited for Daddy to finish his turn. Thank you for being patient.”

    - “You really wanted to play with blocks. Sister really wanted to play Candyland. You let         Sister play Candyland. Thank you for being considerate.” 

    - “You put on your helmet before riding your bike. Thank you for being safe.”

Step 2 | Expand upon the learning opportunity. 

You have subtly started a new discipline or teaching routine. Once your behavior reflections feel more natural, and your child has a large repertoire of concrete examples of abstract attributes, begin teaching the boundaries. These statements would combine with the reflections for a format similar to:

    - “You are jumping on the bed. You are jumping SO high. You cannot jump on the bed. It         is not safe.” 

Step 3 | Focus on what you want your child to do.

Now that we have established boundaries with our child, the next question to ask ourselves is: “What can my child do within the boundaries I set?” In other words, we should focus on what behaviors we want to see from our children. Think of an undesirable behavior your child does on a daily basis. Now think of the behavior you would prefer to see from your child in the same situation. For example, if your child whines for attention, think of an action to replace the whining. Instead of whining, he/she could verbally ask for attention, tap your leg, hold up a stuffed animal, use sign language, etc. So an example with a behavior reflection would be:

    - “You are using a whiny voice.” Whiny voices are hard to understand. Ask Mom for help         instead. Try. Say “help please”. 

Step 4 | Keep reflections and instructions concise. 

Notice how all of the sentences are short and have a clear message. Children take longer to process verbal language because they are learning so much so fast. It’s very important to keep your reflections, boundaries, and alternative behaviors short, sweet, and to the point. 

Step 5 | Be kind to yourself. 

We all have trigger behaviors that really grate our nerves. We get tired, worn down, and frustrated. Just like we would want our children to calm down before trying to communicate their frustration, we should extend the same courtesy to our disciples. 

LEARN MORE TODAY

“Children are great imitators. So give them something great to imitate.”

- Anonymous

“Too often we forget that discipline really means to teach, not to punish. A disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioral consequences.”

- Dr. Dan Siegel, The Whole-Brain Child